Nanny--
You just gave a point-by-point synopsis of the advice given in the book that I listed above. Impressive. And it's true, this approach works like a charm--but only when you are strong enough to let go and really do it with no backtracking. After a certain age, it's really a matter of making them secure in their own space. We didn't really implement this until Oscar was six months old--it was a lot easier on me to keep him nearby at night when I was breastfeeding and I was a first-time nervous mom, who hung on his every breath. If I had it to over again, I might try it sooner.

Now what about whining? I can't decide which is more annoying: "pleeeease" or "porfi, porfi!" I try my damndest to ignore it. I never give in. Please tell me this too shall pass...

what do you mean by tiny. I have a doubt of how old she should be. my mother in law says that she should be in the room with me up to 3 months , but i am not to sure about her being there so long.

Yep it passes, but then the behaviour will reappear several times before they are old enough to leave the nest. Most of the books say to ignore the behaviour which I've done and will probably continue to do especially with toddlers. However there are some major draw backs to this approach. One, you have to listen to the constant whinging for a while and that would undo anyone. Two, the child is not used to this behavior response from you and will go from whinging to throwing a temper tantrum, which is fun, fun, fun!

A couple of years ago I had just started a position with a family with two little girls in Holland (expat americans) and the youngest, who was four, had a verbal habit of saying "What?" after nearly everything I said to her. I couldn't figure out if she didn't understand what I had asked of her, if she didn't hear me, or if she hadn't been paying attention, but needless to say it got on my nerves to be constantly repeating myself all the time. I was telling a friend who lives back in the States (she's English) and she said that in England using "What?" as a response is considered rude, so they say "I beg your pardon?" So I decided to try it. I first sat the little girl down after I'd been saying something to her and she responded back with "What?". I told her how when she used the word "What" I was never sure what she was asking, and why. I told her from now on we were going to use the expression "I beg your pardon?" and then I would know she hadn't caught what I'd said. So every time she would say "What?" I would respond back with "I beg your pardon?", then she would say, "I beg your pardon?" back and I would repeat what I'd originally told her. It took a while but she stopped saying "What?" altogether and didn't use "I beg your pardon?" so much either, unless she didn't catch what was said. It's also not as easy to say repeatedly. There were a few positive results from this situation. The first that I wasn't finding her so annoying, which was great for our relationship. The second was that people kept complimenting their mother on they're manners (which as a nanny reflects really well on you). Finally that I stopped saying "what" as well. It started to become second nature to respond to people using "I beg your pardon?".

I also started using this expression when they asked for something in either a whingy, or a demanding voice. They didn't get what they wanted until they modified their voice. If they kept whinging, keep repeating the statement as though your just not able to catch what they're saying when they use that tone.

This method is called red flagging (or flagging if you will) and it's very effective for changing a behavour. You simply draw the persons attention to the behaviour every time they use it, but it can take a while to use. It's also kind of a fun expression as it can take on so many meanings depending on your tone of voice.

Something else thats worked as well is to ask the child if they're tired. Explain that they often get whingy when they need a nap and if they want one, it's ok. They will almost always refuse. I've found with toddlers that whinging is often simptomatic of needing a nap. If it's at a time where it's not possible, like say too close to bedtime, move things up a bit so that they can go to bed a bit earlier if possible, but don't alert them to the fact. Bedtime should not be a punishment but instead a pleasant way to finish the day. Luckily young children can't read clocks yet!

Good luck,
Bonnie

wow, that is great advice. Thank you so very much.

quote:

what do you mean by tiny. I have a doubt of how old she should be. my mother in law says that she should be in the room with me up to 3 months , but i am not to sure about her being there so long.

Ok, here's something that most books won't tell you. Your fine. Really!

If you feel more comfortable with your baby in the same room with you till they're 6 months or more it's not an issue. The only problem with waiting later is then trying to transition them to their own room. Some children transition with no problems at all, others not so easily. However if you want to make the transition sooner, do so. Don't let others tell you whats correct for your family. Besides which, Mother-in-laws throughout the ages have had issues with the way their grandchildren are or have been raised. No ones style is the same and thats ok.

Fathers for instance tend to be less patient and more matter of fact then mothers, not a problem, the children will adapt to the style changes. If your mother-in-law wants to have your baby in a crib next to the bed, great, when she has care of him. As long as the person caring for your child isn't doing something that may physically, mentally, or emotionally harm your child, let them have their own style, so long as they don't impose it on you.

It's like breastfeeding. There is no question that if you are able and want to, that breastfeeding is best for babies. However some women either can't or don't want to breastfeed and thats okay as well. Some women want to return to work after the birth of their baby but have guilt trips thrown at them from their extended families. If your not happy, then it's going to come out towards your child. Some women and men really enjoy staying home with their children, for others they would go mad.

As a nanny however I need to match my style with the people for whom I'm working. I know myself, I couldn't work for someone who say insists that their three year old be rocked to sleep every night. Because as the nanny, on the big things I'm meant to adapt my style to the parents needs and some style differences are too big. I wouldn't tell the parents they were wrong for doing that, but if there were behaviour issues in terms of the child being too demanding, that might be one of the first changes I would advise.

I don't know if you've ever seen the childrens book 'I'll Love You Forever' by Robert Munsch. Its about the relationship between a child and his mother and in my opinion is a must have for every childrens library, though maybe more for the parents then the childs.

Hang in there,
Bonnie

We love Robert Munsch--one of our favorites. Love the Paper Bag Princess.

Yes, being a mom is pretty much open season for guilt. Best to fortify yourself as much as possible. It's good to get advice, read books, but in the end you have to do what you can live with and make your own mistakes. The best advice that I got was from the abuelos. The generation beyond my parents. It always sounded wrong, but turned out to be right. The worst advice that I got was from other moms/dads my age. Seems like everyone always assumes that there is only one way of doing things and that just happens to be the way that he/she ended up doing it.

With that caveat... Oscar slept in our room until he was four months old. We had no problem transitioning him into his own room. When you are breastfeeding it can be a lot easier to have them nearby at night, because you don't have to wake up completely to get them back to sleep. Seems like it would be the same with a bottle.

Our problems came much later--around 7 months--when he started requiring more than a "teta" to get to get to sleep. That's when we had to lay down the law. It only took two or three days to get him to go to sleep by himself in crib (before, we had always put him down after he was already asleep). The transformation was pretty miraculous. He's been a good sleeper ever since. And Nanny is absolutely right. You have to keep the rituals to a minimum, otherwise they spriral out of control and you'll be spending an hour and a half putting the kid to bed. A bath, a book, kisses and hugs. That's it.

I love this thread Although it is a long time ago my kids were teeny, some of the advice from The Nanny, took me right back!! Especially the "what?" scenario. I always answered that with "pardon?" and it became automatic eventually!!! And as Bonnie said, it was almost a joke between us!!

And the whingeing My answer to that was "I'm sorry, I really can't understand what you're saying". OK, that sometimes made them really cross, but I kept with it and yes, it worked. In fact I used it throughout their teenage years when they were trying out all the different "accents", and generally being "kevins"!!

My friend has a 6yr old and a 4yr old, both whingers. The 4yr old is a champion whinger and whiner, and I use the same sentence with her. She gets in a strop with me, stomps off, then comes back and asks in a normal voice eventually!!!!!!!

i must admit that this thread got a LOT more interesting when mariposita brought the "teta" into it

ok, just call me a big baby

quote:

Now what about whining?

mariposita, there is a GREAT commercial on tv right now here (can't recall what it is for right now).

you may have seen it.

in short, it shows a mom in a supermarket with a little boy and the boy starts to scream and whine when the mom does not let him have some food item he grabs off the shelf.

the mom looks at him and then throws a collosal tantrum to end all tantrums. she even lies down on the floor and starts kicking and screaming.

the kid just looks at her and shuts righ up.

then the mom gets up, brushes herself off and they get along well from there on in.

truly CLASSIC!!!

not sure what the experts would say to that approach but it is one for my "future dad book".

a whine for a whine.
a tantrum for a tantrum.

being the big kid i am, that one will be eay for me

saludos,
jer...

Oh boy... Ena is going to really have her hands full.

quote:

"I'm sorry, I really can't understand what you're saying"

madsue--that is exactly word-for-word what I do. Just recently, Oscar asked me if there was something wrong with my ears because I could never hear him, even when he was yelling as loud as he could. Not quite making the connection yet.

I don't know what a "kevin" is, but it doesn't sound good. What were these accents that your kids tried out? Sounds pretty surreal.

mariposita.

i am not big on brit culure but i think "being a kevin" means being what we would call a "little shit" in the states. basically, it is an adolescent with tons-o-attitude that a parent just can't deal with.

have heard it used before up north yonder but never knew where it came from so i looked it up and found what i thin is the root of it...



comes from a sketch on a tv show on bbc where an annoying teeniebopper character (see above) was named kevin.

get your KEVIN THE TEENAGER HAT

quote:

Oh boy... Ena is going to really have her hands full.

other way around.
things may change when the time comes but we have things planned as follows...

- ena takes a year off work when the "it" is born. she only gets 3 months paid maternity leave but she can take a another 9 months and they must hold her job for her and guarantee her the same position.

- as i am the one with my own biz who can work at home, i will take it from there so to speak.

mr. mom comes to mind...

.

yes, i am aware that children require constant attention and i will get very little done workwise while taking care of the wee-one but i'm ready & willin to give it the old college try

or perhaps college try is not a good term to relate to a baby.

come on now... have a sip of beer for daddy

saludos,
jer... (soon to be in a world of hurt )

Good morning
I went to my yoga class and i was suprise to hear that out of 6 of us 4 were on a diet including myself. I have only gained about 10 kilos and i am in my 8th month. My daughter well the doctor says she is huge and that I have to go on a diet. I am also worried about how i will give birth, not about the pain but that i do not have many choices of how i give birth and what that put in me. I do understand that something can complicate but I do not like the idea of trying to rush in giving birth. These are some topics that we talk about in Yoga, it is a more alternative approach I guess than going to a traditional pre labor class but in my opinion I have learned much more on about my body and about childbirth than I could ever learn from the pre labor class. Maybe I have just gone to the wrong one.

That's the one, jer So over the top, but funny, especially with his friend Perry!!!

Mariposita, I grew up in Suffolk in UK, which has a very strong regional accent, and so I had two, sometimes three, different accents, one for school, one for in the village, and one for at home. Sometimes I forgot where I was and used the "wrong" accent at home and got into big trouble for it!!! My children did the same, and I was always on their case!!! They now have a fairly "classless" English accent. My son actually realised at Xmas what I had been going on about all these years, when we were in my mums hometown, and apparently I reverted to the regional accent, which he said was horrid!!!!

He also feels embarrassed as his Spanish accent is Canarian, and as soon as he opens his mouth people know where he comes from!!!!!

It shouldn't be this way, but unfortunately IMO, the Brits tend to judge people on their accents

hey sheila, a bit off-topic but since you mentioned it, where do you do prego yoga? by prego yoga of course i mean yoga while pregnant.

ena does yoga now and LOVES it, has been at it for about 3 months now and we want to find a place for her to do it when she gets her bun in the oven and is too far along to do her current style of yoga which is astanga.

i have heard there is a place for prego yoga up near cuatro caminos but cannot recall the name or address.

where do you go?

saludos,
jer...

I go to City yoga, they have a web site , and they also offer classes for mom and tots, although i think dads she also go. It is really nice and you get tons of information. It is located on Calle de Artistas, near Calle Orense.

Woo-hoo--another Mr. Mom! Sounds like a great plan. Christian has been Mr. Mom the last year and a half (before that we were both Mr. Mom) and it is working out well.

quote:

yes, i am aware that children require constant attention and i will get very little done workwise while taking care of the wee-one but i'm ready & willin to give it the old college try

Kind of like forum users... I think you are well prepared to deal with high-maintenance humans.

We managed to take care of a mocoso and still get work done. It's not impossible. Just got to use discipline and, in a pinch, Sesame Street DVDs when you really have to get something done.