Hello all,

I was just wondering if anybody out there would like to share any of there experiences and or advice with thier "spanish in-laws" negative and or positive.

I particularly have had quite a difficult time adjusting to my in-laws here in spain, and have found the whole experience quite cluastrophobic but am doing my best to try and understand thier perspective, and would love to read other's perspectives on this fundamental part of the immigration experience.

un saludo,

ezra

hey ezra.

have been pondering this topic since you began it, kinda like staring at pandora's box (no dirty jokes please ) and saying, to open or not to open

quote:

I particularly have had quite a difficult time adjusting to my in-laws here in spain, and have found the whole experience quite cluastrophobic

wo! back up! "claustrophobic"! are you actually living with them or are you using the word figuratively? please, please say it is the latter.

well, since my suegros don't even know what the internet is, here goes!!!

when i was "cortejando" ("courting" so to speak) ena, i ran into the typical initial attitude of "he is a foreigner and he is just here temporarily, nothing will come of it" from the in-laws. oh if i had a euro for every time i was asked how long i was in spain for

then as things became more serious, the "he is gonna steal my baby away and take her to the u.s.a." attitute rolled in.

i really did not have any major probs and get along fine with them. i also do not see them too often so that may help

it also helps that i do not really care what most people think of me and my in-laws are NO exception.

they eventually got over the fear that i was gonna take ena back to the states to live and accepted that i was here to stay.

i did get a door closed in my face once when we were first dating and i went to bring her flowers. she lived at home and her mom basically said "we don't want any" and closed the door on me. i wanted it to be a surprise and pretended to be the florist delivery guy. the surprise ended up being mine but i got them delivered in the end and now it is just a story to tell the grandkids

can you be more specific about the "problems" you are having with the suegros? maybe if you are more specific, we can advise (either that or make fun of ya ).

saludos,
jer...

When I first went to meet my inlaws i was crapping myself. I'm 12 years older than my wife, divorced with 2 kids, and English. But it was cool, all friendly (i think. couldn't understand them, so maybe they were smiling and saying "later we're gonna throw you to the pigs!")

I'm still welcome even after a few drunken antics. But I have to calm down on drinking when i'm with the inlaws because they all look at you as a raving alcoholic. I try to not visit too often as i find it incredibly boring. Eating and watching tv (whilst channel surfing constantly) isn't my idea of a good time. And no internet!

But all in all they are good people with good hearts. You just gotta go with the flow.

Normske

Sorry for my delay responding to this thread that I started...

Thanks Jer and Normske for sharing your experiences...

I guess the "problems" I have been having are basically just adapting to, what is for me, a very different style of family life. I think coming from the U.S - and furthermore Lala land...my concept of family life and the role my parents played in our lives when we lived there was very different. First of all, I have always considered myself quite close to my family, but we might drive out to have dinner with them once every few weeks...maybe even once a month, which for me was fine. Here we have lunch every saturday and sunday with my in laws...which like Normske said is quite boring for me...I end up just watching canal plus until I actually just end up leaving. I find all of my in-laws quite loving people that I have come to care about...but I find that none of them like to talk one on one with me. I mean, despite seeing my father in law consistantly for almost 4 years now...I feel like we hardly even know each other...I find him completely and untterly inexpressive unless the rest of the family is around, where he sort of comes alive...like at the table during the comida. I could never imagine us sitting down having a conversation about our cultures or whatever over some beers...the way my father would in the states with my wife. I think I have come to regard spanish culture as more group oriented than individualistic and that my in laws function as a whole...which I completely admire...but is hard to adapt to, coming from a more independent lifestyle.

One of the other differences that I notice is that the generation here that would be about my parents age has been afforded the ability to live a sort of classical, antiquated lifestyle in which the mother stays home all day to cook and take care of the kids...thus giving the mother in law A LOT of time on her hands when the kids finally leave the nest.

In the states, both my parents still work full time...even my grandma worked full time up until the mid 70's, so I think young adults develop their own personal support structure earlier and come into marriage more independently. The distances in the U.S might also effect this. In Spain I think it is not uncommon for three or four generations of a family to have lived in the same city at various times. It gives me chills thinking of running into my grandma in retiro after a session of sunbathing and hard drinking...but hey... thats me.

I guess early on when I first came here I had hoped we could all reach somekind of mutual ground in which my in-laws and I would come to understand each other and build a realtionship...but I have come to realize that this all quite unrealistic...and that you cannot expect people to go out of there way to understand your philiosophy on life and what makes you tick and such. This is why I have ended up focusing my energies on making outside friends independent of the family (god, when I say that, I feel like I am talking about the Corleones or something). In the begginning I also put a lot of pressure on my self to try and ask my in-laws alot about themselves and generate conversation and learn about thier experience and understand them...but I gave up and realized that they might have seen that as intrusive. So now I just try to enjoy my wife when we are there and kind of tune her parents out.

At the end of the day I find that patience and a sense of humor help me through more than anything else.

Also to answer your question Jer...we do not live with our in-laws...though we live quite close...hehehehe...

saludos,

scott

hey Ezra, no worries man, post when ya can and don-t feel obligated to do so.

quote:

Here we have lunch every saturday and sunday with my in laws...

i do this (lunch with the in-laws) once every few months and/or on special occasions (x-mas eve, mothers day, etc...).

in my opinion, keeps everyone a tad more sane

for example, last sunday was mothers day here and ena and i went for lunch. we ate around 2:30 but at 4:15 i start getting read to head to the retiro for multimadrid volleyball.

no couch patataing for me

quote:

but I find that none of them like to talk one on one with me.

that could be a blessing, my father-in-law can't wait to chew my ear off

quote:

I think I have come to regard spanish culture as more group oriented than individualistic

it is not just your perception of things, it IS group oriented.

quote:

One of the other differences that I notice is that the generation here that would be about my parents age has been afforded the ability to live a sort of classical, antiquated lifestyle in which the mother stays home all day to cook and take care of the kids...

so true but this is changing with the new generations. my in-laws own 2 houses, one in the father's village and another at the beach and the mother has never worked outside of the home.

quote:

I think young adults develop their own personal support structure earlier and come into marriage more independently.

true as well. we become "independent" sooner as most of us go off to college. i personally have not lived "at home" (with mom&dad) since i was 18 and went off to live on campus. the salaries here (LOW) also keep the kids from leaving the nest sooner so many spaniards are living at home well into their 30s

quote:

In Spain I think it is not uncommon for three or four generations of a family to have lived in the same city at various times.

not only in the same city but even in the same house.

quote:

It gives me chills thinking of running into my grandma in retiro after a session of sunbathing and hard drinking...but hey... thats me.

if you see her after smokin a dooby you can get the munchies together as she is probably an awesome cook.

quote:

So now I just try to enjoy my wife when we are there and kind of tune her parents out.

i'll drink to that! (to enjoying MY wife, not yours )

don't tune them out just do not tune them in full blast and don't try so hard (if that makes sense).

live your life Scott and share it with those who want to take part in it. it is unhealthy to try and "force" relationships (of any kind) and if you do, the end result will most likely be an artificial and superficial (false) relationship.

remember (as hard as it may be), you are married to your wife, not to her family.

quote:

Also to answer your question Jer...we do not live with our in-laws...though we live quite close...hehehehe...

we live on the same metro line as my in-laws and only 5 stops away. my mother-in-law is not well enough to manage my 4 flights of stairs (98 steps total) so that keeps her away so i only see her when i want to

as for my family, my mom and dad (divorced) live in new york and my brother and his family live in southern u.k. we see each other abut 3 times a year and i find that, may sound odd, we are closer knit since my bro and i bacam ex-pats.

saludos,
jer...